In response to Mr. K's growing demands for a natal celebration (yes, yes, with lots of presents) and at the same time catering to his unique requirements regarding leaving Kompound Grounds I have set Leather Lad to work outlining just what it would take to get him to actually attend a party and what it is he expects from the experience. I went back and edited for grammar and spelling, as well as inserting anything I felt would be to the benefit of all parties involved.

The First and Immediate Un-Birthday Party for Leather Lad will commence on Friday, February 13th at 6 p.m. pacific (9 p.m. eastern) and continue until all present are too drunk to stand or dead to the world. Strictly adhering to Leather Lad's wishes will assure that the aforementioned is just a figure of speech.

Kronos' Birthday party guidelines:

1. All weapons will be checked at the door. Only the "End of Time" will be allowed sharp implements, should he desire them. It is after all, *his* day. Well, one of them at least. This especially pertains to claymores, katanas, sticks and Lee Press-on nails.

2. Wipe your feet

3. There will be no wearing of plaid (or gingham). Anyone violating this demand will be required to immediately disrobe and their clothes will be burned. Be thankful he is being magnanimous by allowing you to disrobe first. (I strongly suggest Duncan wear a *real* good disguise and stay across the room from the guest of honor should he get a notion to crash this party.)

4. There will be no touching of the Leather or the Skin. That includes licking. Looking is OK, but licking is not. And if you drool, you must be careful not to get any on his person. Especially the leather. You know what happens to leather if it gets wet. But there will be limited touching in the form of dancing which he will initiate. He mostly likes to Polka and Tango. His choice. Live with it. You know what the alternative is.You cannot do these dances properly without a certain amount of touching. But watch where you put your hands if you intend on keeping them. If he wants to dance he'll ask you. Demand actually. I strongly urge you to consent immediately, willingly, cheerfully and with a smile on your face. If you want to keep it there. And forget the small talk. He likes to hum when he's not counting. Don't wear open-toed shoes. Trust me. And don't make any remarks about the nervous tick or constant furtive glances towards the nearest exit. Consider it lucky I can get him to attend in the first place.We are still negotiating what dances I may be allowed to participate in and with whom I may be allowed to participate with. In any case no touching the Skin is allowed under any circumstances. He'll be watching. Closely.

5. Feel free to partake of as much refreshments as you so desire. Beer (imported-the *good* stuff), Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Cider, cheetoes, fried chicken and chocolate-hazelnut ganauche cake are in endless supply. If you want anything different we don't care (as long is it is NOT Chef Boy-ar-dee) and you can pay for it yourself.

6. Presents are required. Lots of them. Nothing plaid. Or gingham. No Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee ANYTHING. No Magic kits. No David Copperfield videos. Given his partiality for his skate key I would avoid rollerblades or ice skates (no keys required). He will not be pleased. And please no power tools. I have edited out the chainsaw segment in all of the "Mr. Mom" videos for good reason. If you wish to avoid the sudden and painful parting of your cranium from the place God originally intended it to remain I would strongly suggest you choose nothing that could even remotely be construed as Scottish. Or Irish even. He's still very sensitive about that incident that didn't happen to him. But it's the thought that counts, he insists.

7. Keep the toasts appropriately adoring, reverent and submissive to his Leatherness. Genuflecting would not be out of line. Make sure they sound spontaneous and enthusiastic. Practice makes perfect. Remember: the secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

8. No souvenirs. You know who you are!