Melvin, Easter, and Duct Easter Top Ten

Posted by Galatea on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 12:00 p.m.


(10) All the neighborhood squirrels have been live-trapped and had their new tinfoil Easter bonnets duct-taped into place. There are no C.I.A. mind-controlled squirrels in OUR neighborhood.

(9) All the folks with dead bushes (ask Melvin) have been invited over for "tea," fed green pez, and are having eggs "hidden" in remote locals. (What a surprise for proctologists everywhere!)

(8) Melvin and the badger are making little duct tape Easter baskets for the other four horsemen. Don't tell!

(7) Melvin is sewing little kilts for the peeps and sending them all to k. He thinks k'll enjoy biting the heads off that much more if he thinks the peeps are Scottish!

(6) Olive dying is in full swing in the basement. He'd like to send zip lock bags of dyed olives to each forumlander, but every time we start to take the olives out of the house, he begins to sweat and experience palpitations.

(5) The badger has been producing and saving little items that are very similar to chocolate eggs or raisinettes. Be thankful that when he asked me for all of your addresses, I changed them well enough to ensure that *his* Easter tributes will go to the dead letter office. *whew*

(4) Melvin and the badger have been building a large snare to capture the Easter Bunny himself (Or "Big B" as the badger refers to him.) Melvin has decided that if he was able to successfully clone "Big B," he would find twice or even three or four times as many olives in his Easter Basket.

(3) The Tommy Lee clones have all been emersed in hot dye and are sporting the most delightful designs. They look sort of like Ukrainian Eggs with Limbs. There was much whining and sniveling during the application of the hot wax for the resist process, but Melvin insisted that no sacrifice was too great when ART was at stake.

(2) Melvin and the badger are bickering about whether TUNA or TURKEY shall be served (garnished with olives and chocolate malt ball eggs), and I have had to intervene with the roll of duct tape a couple of times. No body hair at Easter. It isn't a pretty sight. So, Tuna, dear....if you get an anonymous airline ticket to Minnesota with instructions to step up to the helicopter landing pad, for goodness sake--DON'T DO IT!!!!!

(1) And of course, Melvin, in honor of Easter weekend has dyed himself completely blue and donned bunny ears and fluffy tail in order to entertain the neighborhood children as "The Giant Peep." Sadly, the police have been called and I had to do some fast talking to keep my Melvin out of the slammer. "But, officer, 'clothing optional' IS the Peep Lifestyle!" Sigh.

Does anyone know whether duct tape can be purchased in EASTER colors? It may be a LOOOOOng weekend.




Posted by screwball on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 12:14 p.m.


Galatea...this is great....and TURKEY should be served...Wild Turkey that is!!!!


Mad Dog 20/20 is Melvin's favorite. 

Posted by Galatea on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 12:19 p.m.


Served in a tinfoil cup to prevent radiowave invasion!

But who is melvin?

Siva mac MINT-BABE-MBB-SPRITE -- Friday, 2 April 1999, at 1:04 p.m.



Posted by Melvin *I'm hurt!* on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 1:49 p.m.


You know!!!! Flattulence!!!! 



I thought the 5th Horseman was Feducious, the Accountant.

Leah CWPack -- Friday, 2 April 1999, at 1:51 p.m.


Naw, I was more like the fourteenth horseman. 

Posted by Feducious on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 3:41 p.m.


'Cept I kept falling off. Finally ended up on a pony. That's when they dumped me. Said I was bad for their image. 

I work for Ken Starr now.


Little known OTHER Horsemen of the Apocalypse... 

Posted by Leah CWPack on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 2:33 p.m.


Over their 1,000 year reign of terror, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse didn't always equal 4. Their number occasionally included others that just didn't have staying power, for one reason or another. They included:

The aforementioned FLATTULENCE, known nowadays as Melvin. 

FEDUCIOUS, The dreaded tax auditor and accountant of the Apocalypse. 

MOTHOS: Short lived. He kept flinging himself into the flames of the villages they burned. 

DOOFUS: Kept riding into the wrong village. Kronos took his quickening and put him out of everyone's misery. 

PERCYUS: Had a fetish for tidyness and cleanliness that drove everyone else berserk. Ultimately, Caspian pronounced him "stringy, but piquant."

JOXER: Didn't work out, for reasons we are fairly familiar with. Went on to work in ancient Greece.

Feel free to add any others you've become aware of. 


Oh dear, I can only imagine what little G is going through.... 

Posted by Cori on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 1:23 p.m.



- K. experimenting with a water-borne virus that makes everyone's insides turn to mush resembling peep inards. 

- Trying to dye beer in pastels. 

etc., etc. 



I have it on good authority that Silas.... 

Posted by Galatea on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 1:48 p.m.


Has dyed the monkeys pale blue, pale green, and pale yellow!


Actually, it's not that bad yet. 

Posted by Godiva, Kompound Koncubine on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 3:27 p.m.


I've still got the kalendar on March. (Picture of some dorky looking guy holding a soccer ball.) I've told K today is March 33. You know, for someone claiming to be the End of Time he's not that good with dates. 

Our biggest problem *is* the beer, though. Try as we might, the more we try to dye it blue the more it ends up a rather sickly green. 

Big Nose doesn't seem to mind though, so disposal isn't a problem. 

(Peeps? No dear. I haven't seen any peeps. Why would there be peeps here? And get your hands off the duct tape!)

You know what scares me the most?

Posted by Brena Rosal on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 2:07 p.m.


After yesterday, I can't imagine Melvin not being a real person. 

Please tell me he's real! My grasp on reality is slipping!!!! 

Aaaagggghhhh!!!!(dream state now ending) 

"Dorthy?...Wake up."


I'm just as real as the next guy.

Posted by Melvin on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 2:24 p.m.


But I don't usually have quite as much body hair as the next guy! 

(*It's not MY fault!)



I'm the next guy. 

Posted by K on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 3:30 p.m.


And it is too your fault!


Hey, I got the ideas from you.

Posted by Melvin on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 8:45 p.m.


Don't tell me you haven't spent time on the ceiling too. I heard about the peeps in the microwave debacle!



Don't you go blaming me for your lack of body hair.

Posted by k on Friday, 2 April 1999, at 11:24 p.m.


I was framed. 

Don't you talk to me. I got to keep my nose clean for one more day or the Solstice Furball won't leave me any raisenettes.

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