In November 1999, 4 Horsemen, Melvin, and a Badger

disappeared in the Doonan Woods while shooting...

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 3:38 p.m.


tin cans, the occasional annoying squirrel, and a documentary. Several days later, their footage was found....and they were duct taped to the ceiling.

For a long time. 

Thus begins a saga. An unbelieveable saga. Since I have not the technology to create a virtual video, I hope you can follow along with my play by play description of the footage that I found. (Good Lord! I hope I can bring myself to relate the insidious and hideous events which I viewed before getting out the frayed yardstick and the industrial strength duct tape.


Anonymous Informant, gathering the strength to tell all.

The video taped labeled Exhibit A

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 3:47 p.m.


The boys appeared to have used two video cameras--and Silas drew pictures in ,a large sketch book with crayons. Mostly the red and black crayons. He likes the taste of the blue and green ones so much that they did not last long. 

I don't know who was patient enough to splice together the films, but I'm betting it was not Melvin. It had to be K. He can be very patient when he's on a mission. 

Camera One--and conversation.

Visual: Mostly a blur of gray and black and you get the feeling that you are under a porch somewhere in the dirt, wrestling a large mean animal. 

Audio: *growling, hissing, biting noises* open the film. Then you hear ,voices:


Melvin: "Come on now, don't be such a baby. It isn't that bad." 

Caspian: "aaaaAAAAAAaaaaaAAAA! The little b@$t@ar! bit me!!!!" 

Melvin: "Well, don't put your nose so close to his face then! You know he ,never liked you anyway! He remembers that stick you placed strategically during Halloween--and how you tried to roast him on the bon fire!"

Caspian: *numerous expletives deleted for the sake of decency.*


*sound of duct tape being torn from roll and more growling and hissing and biting.*


K: "Pass the fried chicken."


Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 4:00 p.m.


The second camera, bobbing and gyrating wildly, shows a very close view of Caspians left leg....then the crotch of his jeans....then there is a blue ,blur which shows streaks of red.... 

*screaming, more expletives, threats*...this goes on for about fifteen minutes. 

In the background you can hear uproarious laughter from K--it is a very distinct and unforgetable laugh. There is also some squabbling about who ate the last drumstick and Melvin whining about someone tipping over the olive jar. 

Switch over to the second camera. 

Caspian is applying direct pressure to a rather nasty bite wound in a VERY sensitive area. Silas is offering to spray it with bactine, and Caspian mutters, "I hope that furry little shit has had his rabies vaccine." 

K says something about immortals being immune to rabies. Melvin has his mouth full of olives and says nothing at all. 

Fade to black. 

Next scene. A close up of melvin's nostrils. (Silas must be holding the camera). 

Melvin: "G has been very, very busy this week. Parent teacher conferences and other stuff. I've been sort of bored and lonesome without her, so I've been doing some research. Well, actually, the badger snuck down to the video store and rented "The Blair Witch Project," even though G expressly forbade us to watch it. (Nightmares, you know. And the badger gets motion sickness so easily and then he pukes on the rug. And there's nothing nastier than stepping in cold, wet badger puke in your bare feet." 

K: "*growl* Hey! I'm EATING here, Melvin!" 

Melvin: "Okay, okay! Well, a trip in the woods to find a witch sounded, like, really exciting to me and the badger, so we got out the black helicopter, gassed it up, and flew out to sunny California. Except it was night when we left and when we arrived, so it wasn't very sunny. But things being what they are, we had to sneak out while the G/g's were sleeping. If they were awake, this project would come to an abrupt and probably sticky halt." 

K: "Get on with the story, Melvin! Or I'll 'worship' the olives!"

Melvin: "What? Again?"

Continued Continued.... 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 4:23 p.m.


Melvin: "K! you look a little blurry! Do you suppose it is the camera lens or all the beer I have consumed?"


Visual: Close up of the rear end of a squirrel scrambling frantically up the trunk of a tree, across a branch and a blinding leap to an electric wire. Rolling motion of blue sky/brown grass and leaves/blue sky/brown grass and leaves. Audio: "THUMP!" Then various snuffling and whining noises. 

Melvin (disembodied voice): "Serves you right, you randy little twit. I told you not to chase the squirrels. How many more paternity suits do you want served on you? Told you not to eat that old guy's box of viagra. What were you thinking?" 

Switch to other camera. Close up of Melvin's right eye and the olive tongue ritualistically pasted to his right eye brown. For good luck. Distinct glare of tinfoil from the beanie he is wearing especially for the expedition. 

Melvin: "We've got these books. They will help us in this adventure. I think." 

One musty tome is held in front of the camera. Too close really to read the cover. But it looks a lot like the one about the stone chicken of ultimate despair. 

Melvin: "OOps! Wrong one. We're not going to seek out Ahriman today!" 

The book is flung unceremoniously over his shoulder. Pages flutter in the breeze. A wisp of red fog rises from the pages and a pressed twinkie wrapper rises and flutters away like that white feather in Forrest Gump. A wilted dandelion in the background begins to hemmorrage. 

Oh dear. 

I knew this was going to be ugly. I didn't know it would be this ugly.

Continued to be Continued.... 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 4:31 p.m.,


Melvin: "ah, here are the RIGHT books!" 
"How to Survive in the Woods with Horsemen." 

"Doonan Woods: The Myth, The Legend, The Long-Nailed Wench from Hades." 

"Growing Olives from Pits." 

"Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs Go Over the Rainbow." 

"Badgers Trained in Three Easy Lessons." 

"My Life as a Pitt," by Brad Pitt. (I'm thinking Olives are mentioned in there somewhere.) 

"How to Find a Witch in the Woods" 

"Running with White Wolves."

There. That about does it. I've read all of these. Well, at least the racy parts of them. And the badger went over them. (It took a day to dry off the pages in the oven too. G was mad!)


Video Cassette Labeled: Laying In Supplies 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 4:42 p.m.


Now this is such a hideous episode that I am deleting the majority of it simply for the sake of any children who may be visiting the forum tonight.

Picture it: four horsemen, a badger, and Melvin. With grocery carts. In the grocery store. 

Five carts are filled with ten gallon drums of olives. Five more are filled with blue frosting, blue sprinkles, blue food coloring, blueberry jello, and blue birthday candles. 

Three more are filled with Busch's Baked Beans and Blue Diamond matches. 

The Easter clearance display of peeps is completely emptied.

Heads of irritating clerks have been stuck on pikes in the cart corrals in the parking lot. 

The badger is humping the leg of the manager in the frozen foods section. 

(And that's just in the first five minutes of a 90 minute video tape.

I don't even want to tell you what happened to the old lady who irritably demanded that SHE was before that nasty fellow in the leather at the deli counter. She should never have made a grab for those two fried chicken wings. I don't know how she'll knit with that hook thing they use to replace hands. 

Silas always did like lady fingers, though, so it didn't go to waste. He did comment that they tasted a little "old." 

Melvin has never liked Rice Krispies before, but they got several boxes of those. Who knows why. 

And I'm uncertain what they plan to do with the four crates of twinkies. 

I suppose we will have to wait for further developments in the tapes. 

There was a blurry portion when they went into the feminine hygiene section of the store. Must have been interference with the video from all of those flourescent lights. They seemed to be loading cases of some product into their carts. 

Couldn't make it out. I think the camera person (Caspian, I think) was really intoxicated at this point.

Video Cassette Labeled: "Interviewing the Local Villagers." 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 5:01 p.m.


In the beginning of this tape there were some really beautiful shots of the Heartland and the Atlantic Ocean as the boys apparently made the crossing of the "big pond." There are some really nifty artistic shots of the waves bobbing near/far/near/far. The only explanation I can fathom for this effect is that they tied the badger to a bungee cord and dropped him out with the camera still duct taped to his body. There was a lot of spitting and snarling, but that was mostly from Caspian, whom the badger blamed for the whole event. Perhaps those cases of mystery product they nabbed from the health and beauty section were bandaides. Looks like they will need a few. 


So, they arrive in the Scottish Highlands. And it is a grand landing with the black helicopter.

The boys leap from the cockpit, wipe the chicken grease from their hands, and restrain Caspian, who seems to be having a stress and badger bite induced flashback to the distant past. Before they could wrestle him to the ground, he looted and pillaged four houses and a stable. (I hope there won't be any more equine paternity suits.) 

Caspian was left to pout, duct tapes to the runner, as the others set off to conduct intervies. The badger chose to remain behind. His video shows a lot of gore and biting, but since Caspian heals right up afterwards, there was no real reason to believe his sniveling accusations. 

One lady: "Och, yes! The legends have been passed down from generation to generation! There *is* a witch in the Doonan Woods! An evil, nasty hag, she is too! Nails to claw your eyes right out of your head, she has!" 

Another lady: "Me mither told me many times of the poor lads tempted off to the woods, never to return. It's an unusually high number of children that were laid to rest in our little cemetary because of the wicked one. Many more, who were just *laid,* according to me father. Me mother always sent us bairns out o' the room when he started in though, so I ken no more o' that."

Some old guy with a crazed look in his eyes: "It's true! *insane cackle* It's all true! By the hair in my ears, the witch took me when I was but a lad of twelve! Took me, foul thing that it was! And kept me in her power for weeks and weeks. Cast me aside when my voice deepened and the man hair began to grown on my chin. Likes 'em young and tender, she does! Foul Creeture. Foul. Foul!!!!!"

Video shows him gibbering and capering like a man possessed. It's truly sad and pathetic. 

The boys voted on putting him out of his misery, but Silas liked him--reminded him of a really skinny, tall rabbit, he said, so they let him live.

Video Tape Labeled "The Old Hermit in the Woods."

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 5:36 p.m.,


Some guy in grungy pants:

"No, I never heard about the Witch in the Woods from my family. I saw something on 'Unsolved Mysteries." It seems that there was some old hermit in the woods. She lived in a shack up there. Young kids kept disappearing near her shack. Said she kept big shaggy white dogs. Most of them had the mange, I guess. 

"It finally turned out that she had her way with seven lads. Used to make the ones she wasn't having her way with stand in the corner. She could stand to feel their eyes on her, they said. I suppose somewhere deep inside her innards, she felt the guilt and shame of molesting children. 

"The guy on the documentary said a bunch of villagers armed with sheep shears and nail clippers went up there and clipped her good. Seems her power is somehow tied up with her hair and nails, like that guy Sampson in the Bible. Only he wasn't evil. he was cool. You understand what I'm saying? 

"Since then, there's been that rumor that the woods are haunted. You need to go see this old lady who lives up at the north end of the village. Her name is Mary Brown. She is the great grand daughter of John Brown, I think. She can tell you more about this phenomenon." 

Video Tape Labeled "Mary Brown" 

Posted by anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 5:57 p.m.


Mary Brown (a scary looking old gal who lives in a really bad trailer-trash ,looking place with a little stick gate.):

"Yep, yep, I seen the witch. Seen her when I was young. I was quite the tomboy then. yep. Climbed the tree with the boys, I did. Wouldn't play with dolls. 

"Yep. Went fishin' with my pa down at Perkin's Creek." Wore my hip waders and my jeans. Looked just like a boy then, I did. A young boy. My pa told me I wouldn't never find me a man, they way I kept my hair cut short and wouldn't wear dresses. 

"Didn't like 'em. Still don't." 

"So, Pa and me were fishin' on the bank. Weren't any fish, so I gave up and took me a rest in the soft grass on the bank. Don't know how long I lay there 'fore I got this funny feelin' that somebody or someTHING was watchin' me. Then I saw it. Wisps of red fog drifting up from the creek. Said to myself, 'Oh, excrement! It's that buggar Ahriman. Gonna possess me and make me chase after some guy in a kilt. Know it, I do." 

"Then I realized that that was all an illusion perpetuated on humanity by bad twinkies and green pez. This was something else. Something more insidious. 

"As I gazed at this wisps, they began to morph into a woman. An ugly woman. Long stringy hair she had. Long greasy stringy hair. Looked like the dang fool didn't know what a comb WAS much less how to use one. 

"And the nails on that thing! Looked like light sabers. Looked like she could've slain the whole freakin' Imperial Stormtroopers' Brigade with those nails." 

"Then I heard her voice in my head. 'Come here, my fine, robust lad. Come to me.....come to me....oh pretty boy....come here to me.....let me teach you....let me reach you....." 

"And in spite of myself, I felt drawn to her. OOooh. UGLY she was. UUUUUUGGGGGLLLLYYYYY. Repulsive, actually." 

"Looked like somebody punched her in the mouth. Big swollen lips puckering up and trying to slurp me right in. Suddenly she got this real disgusted look on her face and she shrieked, "Why, you are NO BOY!" 

"no" I whispered, in fear for my life. 

"Her eyes bulged out and all that greasy hair started to hiss and swirl just like a bunch of snakes. You know. Like that Medusa thing in mythology. I consider myself dang lucky I didn't turn to stone on the spot. 

She hissed at me like a snake. Disappointed she was. Didn't get her laddie fix, I guess. Needed one bad, I guess she did. 

So I went home and made myself this little stick gate. Ain't left my front porch since. I do have a satellite dish and 357 channels, though. It ain't so bad."


End interview.


Video Tape Labelled "Follow the Yellow Stick Road" part 1 

Posted by anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 6:17 p.m.


This is a jumpy cutting. Video mixture from both cameras is used. The Badger's eye view is awfully bouncy and he is often distracted by attractive squirrels. That video has all been deleted because we don't want an X-rated project. 

The packs are gargantuan, but fortunately, so is Silas, and he carries the bulk of the supplies. Melvin settles the badger down by hitching him up to a little badger "dog" sled. He gets to pull the crate of blue diamond matches and the tin foil. 

Melvin shoves the camera in Caspian's face and asks, "So how do we feel, guys, about what we've learned?' 

Caspian: "This is all otter dung. There's no witch out here. It's badger pucky. Bull Poo Poo." 

The camera goes to Silas's navel. (Melvin can't get the angle right to get in any of his face.)

A deep voice booms, "I see a kitty! Here, kitty, kitty! It's the cutest black and white stripedy kitty. Kitty! Kitty!" 

K: "Brother! that's no cat! DAMNATION! too late. You are NOT sleeping in the tent tonight, big fella!" 

****black out*****

Rest break--Melvin is (*drool, sigh*) exercising his clothing optional hiking rights. Can't tell who is holding the camera. He's holding a toilet brush (where on earth did that come from. It better not be mine or there will be some serious hurting going on when he gets home!) at arm's length, ,scrubbing Silas with tomato juice and powdered pez. 

Melvin: If it can take away memories, maybe it can take away stench. 

Caspian: Geez, Melvin! Look at your body hair! It's so patchy! 

Melvin: Hey, see how your body hair fairs if *you* spend a week duct taped to the ceiling. 

Caspian: "Look, K! is this tuft the image of Paraguay or what? 

Melvin: "Ah, those golden nights in Paraguay. I wish Big G was here." 

K: "With her duct tape and frayed yardstick?" 

Melvin: "No ceiling here. Besides, Look how adorable I am in my hiking boots ,and backpack and nothing else. Do you really think she can resist me?" 

*snorting and chortling is heard in background.*

Darkness except for occasional bursts of bright blue flame that come from no where and go to no place. 

K: "oooh." 

Melvin. "Good one leather lad!" 

Caspian: "More beans, please." 

Silas (from outside the tent): "Kitty?" 



Video Tape Labelled "Follow the Yellow Stick Road" part 2

 Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 6:31 p.m.


Darkness. Then a flashlight lights Melvin's face from beneath the chin. 

Melvin: Did you hear that? 


Caspian: "Shut up Melvin. Or you die." 

Melvin. "Okay." 

*Much snoring* 

From outside the tent, muffled and soft: "Kitty?" 


Camera pans across grass. There is a dead rodent on the ground. 

Melvin: "Look Caspian! Breakfast is served."

Shot of Caspian slurping the tail in like a lo mein noodle. 

Big Grin on Caspian's face. 

Camera pans into the trees where numerous rock piles have been braided into little stick pouches. Little piles of rocks surround the tent. 

K: What's up with this? 

K kicks a pile of stones over. A few strands of straggly hair flutter in the breeze. At the bottom of the pile of rocks is *gasp* a twinkie wrapper. 

A shot of K and Melvin exchanging a meaningful look. 

Caspian: "We're getting closer, K." 

K: "Is there any fried chicken left?" 

Melvin: "Where's the map?"

Caspian tries to look innocent. "Don't know." 

K: "Where's the map? You had it last." 

Melvin: "I gave it to Caspian." 

K: "Brother?" 

Caspian: "I don't have the dang map!" 

Silas: "Brother, I saw you. You had the map. Last night when you went into the bushes, you had it in your hand."

Caspian, defensively: "Hey, it's not MY fault. None of you idiots packed any Charmin. You know how I chafe!" 

Melvin: "What?" 

K: "You used the map for toilet paper?" 

Caspian: "Well, it was either that or the badger's tail!" 

Badger: *snarl* 

Melvin: "Now what?" 

K: "So what? We pillaged all of Europe and Asia without a stupid map. I guess we can find one stupid rock building witch without one. Where's the cold fried chicken?" 

Caspian: "Don't you show your teeth at me, furball."


Video Tape labelled "A Three Hour Tour." 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 6:50 p.m.


Melvin: "Have you guys ever watched Gilligan's Island?" 

K: "Only Mr. Mom." 

Caspian: "Did we pillage that in the iron age?" 

Melvin: "If this were Gilligan's Island, one of us would be the professor, and one would be gilligan and one would be the skipper and one would be Mr. Howell." 

Caspian: "Shut up melvin. Or you die." 

Melvin: "Okay." 

BadJer: *squeaky voice singing* "a three hour toor....a three hour tooor!" 


Again, Melvin's face bathed in light from a flashlight. "Don't tell me you guys didn't hear that." 

*scampering, scuttling noises outside. Cackling. footsteps. The sound of rocks being wrestled into piles." 

K: *snore* 

Caspian: *snore* 

Louder rustling and scampering outside the tent. Louder cackling. Some shaking of the tent itself. 

Melvin: "Guys! What the hell is that?" 

K: *snore....snort* "Huh? What? What's all that racket." 

Melvin, eyes big in flashlight. "What is that?" 

K, rising from his sleeping bag, going to flap of tent, (nice butT shot, illuminated with Melvin's flashlight) bellowing: "THIS IS THE END OF TIME SPEAKING. I AM TRYING TO SLEEP! IF THERE IS ANY MORE NOISE OUT THERE, YOU ARE GOING TO FIND YOUR HEAD UP YOUR ARSE. NOW SHUT THE *expletive deleted* UP!" 

*dead silence* 

K: "Will there be anything else Melvin? 

Melvin. "Can't think of anything." 

K: "Do you need a drink of water?" 

Melvin: "No"

K: "Beer?" 

Melvin: "Okay." 

*sounds of six pack being openned and drained.* 



Video Tape labelled "Stick, stick, stick to my Loo."

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 7:03 p.m.


Camera shows Caspian in treetop, leather pants around his ankles. 

Caspian: "Gardyloo!" 

Badger: *numerous expletives deleted.* 

Camera pans ground. Lots of stone piles. Camera pans trees. Lots of stick sculptures. 

Camera pans to Melvin, blue star matches in hand. 

Silas reaches up and plucks the sculptures from the trees, piles them up. Melvin lights them on fire. 

K: "Where's the fried chicken bucket?" 

Caspian: "Gardyloo again!" 

Badger *extremely nasty expletives deleted.* 

Caspian (hysterical laughter) 

Prancing just out of focus range are numerous imps of the Evil One, turning cartwheels and building stone cairns. The boys are intent upon roasting a wild turkey (or was that drinking wild turkey. Can't recall.) They don't notice it. 

Surreal squeals come from the mystical stick sculptures as they burn. Wisps of red fog occasionally float skyward, along with bursts of blue flame that burst from various Horsepersons, courtesy of Busch's Baked Beans and Blue star matches. 

Melvin: "Where's Silas?" 

K and Caspian look around. No Silas. 

K: "Brother?" 

Caspian: "Silas?" 

Melvin: "Silas!!!!" 

Badger: "SSSSssssSSSssiiiiiillllasssss!" 

Melvin: "Where is he?" 

K: "He was just here a minute ago." 

View of much grassland being frantically covered, voices calling out. 

Finally in the distance we hear a faint, "Kitty?" 

All: "SILAS?" 

From a completely different direction, "Kitty?" 

All: "SILAS!!!!!"

From everywhere and no where, "Kitty? Kitty? Kitty?" 

Nostril shot of Melvin filming himself.

"Silas is missing. K and Caspian are searching the woods. I'm really scared. Really scared he caught that 'kitty' again. And Big G is going to be so very pissed that I used HER toilet brush to scrub off the skunk oil. Man, I HATE that frayed yardstick. Those welts last for weeks." 

"I'm sorry G. I'm sorry. It was all my idea. But the badger DID rent the Blair Witch video, so it's his fault too."


Video Tape labelled "Sticks and Stones" 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 7:29 p.m. 


Camera focuses in on something that MAY be strips of Silas's shirt tied around a bundle of twigs. K and Caspian are hunched over it. The badger is taking the opportunity to lift his leg on Caspian's boot. Pay back for the Gardyloo incident. That'll teach him. 

Melvin must be filming. 

K: "In 5,000 years, I never saw anything like this." 

Caspian: "What's it mean, Brother?" 

K: "It tells me that somebody has NO LIFE whatsoever. Terrorizing prepubescent boys and making bundles of twigs. Pathetic." 

Melvin: "Do you guys hear something?" 

There is a small, stifled squeak and a thump. The camera previously held by Melvin is now on the ground, we see the boys' boots and the puddle surrounding one of Caspian's boots. 

K: "Melvin?" 

Caspian: "He's GONE! 

Badger: "Melwin? Melwin?" 

Caspian picks up the camera and begins to pan the area. 

K: "What the heck is this?" 

Badger, wailing, "Mellllllwiiiiiin!" 

Caspian: "It is a pile of Olive Pits. Olive Pits. How ironic." 

K: "Brother! I didn't know you had that word in your vocabulary! I am so impressed!" 

Caspian, modestly, blushing. "I've been watching Oprah's Book Club episodes." 

K: "Badger, you sniff him out. You always manage to find your way to Melvin, no matter where he is." 

Video of the badger sniffing, cut with images of jolting landscape as the badger finds the trail and launches himself like a bolt of furry lightning across the woodland grasses. 

K: "Hi-ho badger, and away! (I've always wanted to say something like that!)" 

There is something on the ground that gives the badger pause. it is a single olive "tongue." The boys film it and study it for a moment, before Caspian eats it. 

The badger snarls. There is movement in the woods ahead. It is a shape. An animal-like shape. It is an emaciated white dog. It has mange. It is frothing at the mouth. Behind it is the gargantuan figure of Silas. We can just hear him saying, "Puppy. Poor puppy. Here puppy, puppy, puppy." 

The big white canine is wending its fearful way toward a REALLY shabby house. It seems to blink in and out of reality, as if it were covered by some spell that was slowly becoming impotent. 

K and Caspian wave Silas over to them. He apparently reeks as they stagger and tell him to back off again. 

Silas, merrily. "Found the kitty. Nice kitty. Pretty kitty! Kitty in my back pack now. Don't like it much, but he'll get used to it pretty soon. Nice, nice kitty. Where are my crayons?" 

Caspian, diplomatically. "Silas, you STINK. Get downwind." 

K: "Is Melvin with you?" 

Silas: "No Melvin. Just kitty and nice puppy over there." 

K: "Look there. It is a trail of olives. It leads up to that ramshackle house. Melvin must be there."


Video Tape labeled "Sticky Situations" 

Posted by Anonymous Informant on Saturday, 20 November 1999, at 7:55 p.m.


The badger bolts into the truly ugly house. Silas lumbers behind him, imploring the "puppy" to come back. Caspian hangs back saying, "this is some seriously demented sh*t. It is f**ked up and not safe to be around." 

K: "For the sake of Great Zeus, Caspian. It's flippin' gingerbread. Haven't you ever seen a gingerbread house before? All the witches use them to attract children. Geez. I thought you said you were watching those book club episodes?" 

Caspian, embarrassed. "Oh." 

Shot of Caspian nibbling on the window sill. 

Silas: "Look here, K! Looky at all the little handprints on the wall. Red handprints. Funny! All tiny, tiny little hands." 

K, sickened and disgusted. "Handprints of her little victims, no doubt. A veritable diary of dementia. The witch likes to score and keep score." 

Badger cam bounces up and down stairs, around corners, through the window. Oops. Crash. Back in the doorway, up the stairs. Down the stairs. Pauses to get a drink from the toilet. Licks Caspian's mouth, just for payback, while still rolling a little toilet water around on his tongue. 

Badger: "Melwin? Melwin?" 

K moves cautiously down the stairs to the nasty basement, sword drawn. Caspian holds the video camera, panning the area. Melvin is standing in the corner. 

Caspian: "Oh, man! Just like the old guy told us. The witch makes the victims stand in the corner while she deflowers and desecrates other victims! Melvin! Brother! Are you okay?" 

Melvin, *sound of zipper being zipped* "I'm fine. Just marking my spot. That mangy dog slid in behind me and made off with my last jar of giant spanish olives. Had to chase the dang thing all the way over here. Found that in the house, poring over the little boys's underwear section of the Sears catalogue. Made me puke. See the puddle's over there in the other corner. Didn't know quite what to do with her, so I used my anti-witch-mind control tinfoil shield to ward off her "psychic psycho squeal of stupification" and duct taped her to the plumbing." 

K: "Ah!" 

Silas: "Oh!" 

Caspian: "She's really ugly." 

Melvin: "Yeah!" 

Badger: *snarl* Bites witch on ankle. 

Witch: Garbled shriek. (Her mouth is duct taped shut, you see.) 

K: "Silas, get out the stuff in your backpack." 

Wild footage as Kitty is loosed. All boys receive "gift" of Kitty. Many strong expletives deleted here. My ears are still burning. 

Kitty perches on witch's head, seeming to know by instinct somehow that this is the source of all the bad things that have happened to it in recent moments. Kitty relieves self in various and nepharious manners on Witch's head. 

Witch again attempts to squeal, but duct tape prevents any real effectiveness. 

From the bottom of the pack, K pulls out case of NAIR hair removal product. 

All: "Ahhhhh! Oooooooh!" 

The boys decide it is a clothing optional moment and strip out of their skunk sodden garments. Nair is applied vigorously and generously to the scalp of the witch. She really looks much better when they are done. Shiny, neat, cue-ball heads may even be in this year. Who knows? 

The badger and Caspian come to an uneasy peace as the badger gnaws off the talons of the witch, one by one. Melvin gathers them up. A little witch genetic material may come in handy, he says. 

I say, it will go down the toilet, if I find it. 

To add insult to injury, the boys gather around the evil witch and chant, in unison,

"Ding Dong, the witch's head, which old witch? The wicked witch, Ding dong, the witch's head is BALD!


The badger, tittering wildly, creates a jumbo pile of extremely juicy and plump raisinettes, which the boys cram, one by one, into the maw of the bald, howling witch. 

K: "One for the Master's teenage boy." 

Caspian: "One for the maid's twelve year old." 

Melvin: "One for the little boy that lived down the lane." 


White Dog with Mange: *Yelp!* 

K: "Get that badger off that dog! (to badger) Don't you have any class at all?" 

Blue flames light the night sky as the boys occupy the four corners of the basement and indulge in their favorite pyrotechnic pastime. They are happily engaged in teaching the skunk to do the same as the film runs out. 

The End. Maybe. maybe not. 

All I know is that that SKUNK is NOT moving into MY basement. He's going home with Silas. 

Where IS my duct tape. Where is my toilet brush?

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