It isn't easy being the Koncubine to the End of Time! I decided to start writing a book. Never know when I might need a little extra cash.

Subject: Catering to His Wildest Nightmares!


(an excerpt from the Kronos' Kamelot Kompound manual)

Have dinner ready. Preferably fried chicken. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Buy extra beer if it is poker night. Plan ahead. Remove sharp objects and breakables.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. Remove your clothes if you have not already done so. He has just been with a lot of pillage-weary horsemen. Be a little coy and a little more interested in him, if that is possible. His boring day may need a lift. Yours does too and he's just the guy to give you that lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the Kompound just before your lord arrives, gathering up weapons, chattel, food, etc. Then run a cloth over the horses in the stables. Your lord will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and will give you a lift in all the right places.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces and if necessary remove their clothes before starting the water to boil. Season as necessary. They are little treasures and Caspian would like to see them as part of the entree if they are fresh and tender enough.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher...send them out to the garage if necessary. Have his vacuum ready for him on demand. Try to encourage the horsemen to be quiet and agree with everything he proposes. Be happy to see him. Greet him in nothing but a skate key and a warm smile and be glad to see him.

Keep a copy of "Mr. Mom" ready in the VCR and carry a universal remote with you at all times.

Some don'ts. Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Suggest this first. A lot. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and take his shoes off. In fact remove all his clothes immediately. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Or don't speak at all. A look is as good as a word, especially when naked. In fact, actions speak louder than words. Don't allow him to relax too much ...well you get my drift.

Listen to him. Make sure all present listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. No time may ever be the time. Let him talk first. Let him rant. Let him rave. And let him win at poker, especially if your head knows what's good for it. And make sure all weapons are out of reach.

Make the evening his. Remember he considers everything his. Don't laugh when he mentions that "We share everything" thing again. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other pleasant entertainment. Remember how much more fun you have in the privacy of your own home with your own unique brand of entertainment. Especially now that the boys are at Flounder's. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. But not all over, remember.

The goal: Try to make the Kompound a place of safety and defensible where your master can relax in spirit but keep that body least the significant parts. Make it into his very own Kamelot!

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