Top Ten Really Embarrassing Ways to Lose Your Head

Posted by Melvin, the Badger, and some clones on Wednesday, 9 September 1998, at 7:09 p.m.


(10) Stood up without thinking when black helicopter landed in the back yard. *oops!* "Crap!" *Thump*

(9) Foolishly stuck head into den of formerly hibernating bear.

(8) Got overconfident when meeting Kenny's two-year-old immortal little sister, Penny.

(7) Unfortunate accident while putting up storm windows.

(6) Really, really nasty paper cut.

(5) Snowmobiling too close to barbed wire fence. OOoooops!

(4) Tripped in garage when old-fashioned automatic garage door was closing.....squiiiisssssh-*pop* Ewww.

(3) Arriving half an hour late on the late on the 3:15 subway, you lean out the door to discover *oops* the 3:45 connecting subway is right on time.

(2) That new razor was a lot sharper than you thought it was!

(1) "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Immortal Anton the Great will demonstrate his lion training skills by putting his head into the mouth of the African Lion!"

Top Ten Things NOT to give Melvin and the Badger when they Trick or Treat

Posted by Not Galatea. Nope. She's in Paraguay for the foliage.... on , Wednesday, 20 October 1999, at 3:18 p.m.


(10) Anything that explodes or could be made to explode or which looks like it could be made to explode or which might have exploded in another life.

(9) Excessive liquids. It might lead to a resurgence of Melvin's Pagan Ritual Worship of the neighbor's shrubbery. We just got the neighborhood watch to stop patrolling past our house every 15 minutes.

(8) Raisinettes. Payback is a female dog. Need I say more?

(7) Green Pez. Leads to crying, sniveling and nose biting. And that's just Melvin!

(6) Pencils. Especially sharpened pencils. It brings back traumatic, memories. For all three of us.

(5) Anything that professes to melt aluminum foil. Melvin is unstable enough as it is. I don't want him curled in a fetal ball in the back of a closet. Unless there is whipped cream and olives involved.

(4) Tommy Lee Jones clones. There are enough in the basement already. And the kennels haven't been cleaned in weeks. The Culligan Man is starting to complain about the smell.

(3) Chest hairs, toenail clippings, eyes of newt, or bat wings. Melvin and the badger are reading a book of spells and I don't need any imps of Satan released into my basement. God knows, I've trouble enough as it is.

(2) Chocolate covered Olive Tongues. Not only are they nasty, they also stick to the ceiling when flung up there by rambunctious recipients. And it is NO FUN to scrape them off in order that aforementioned recipients can take their turn on the ceiling!

(1) The address to your domicile. Trust me. On Halloween night, you don't want Melvin and the badger and possibly Socks the First Cat (if he can sneak out of the house after stealing the ignition key for Airforce One) full of beer and olives to show up on your doorstep asking to see your houseplants! Don't ask. You don't want to know!!!! (I will, however, plant the mental image of a hacked up hairball containing cat hair and masticated olive particles into your mind for your subconscious to work on!) 


Back to Paraguay for me! 

Love and kisses, 

Not She Who Must Be Obeyed but NOT Licked


Paraguay Top Ten list of things to do in beautiful downtown Paraguay.


(10) Shop for duct tape. Vacations make Melvin frisky and impetuous. The duct tape will be necessary. probably sooner than later!

(9) Make lovely tinfoil bonnets for the little donkeys the tourists ride to view the scenery. Decorate them with tassels, pom poms, and left over Pamprin painted green and blue.

(8) Allow Melvin to paint his butt blue and press it up against the glass at the local bank drive thru windows. It calms him, and the natives seem to enjoy it as well. (And it makes for great polaroid shots.... hmmm. Polaroids of Hemorrhoids?

(7) Introduce the natives of the land to the fun-filled game 'Olive, Olive, where the heck is that darned Olive.' Do NOT allow Melvin to show them all his favorite hiding spots. (We don't need another international incident!)

(6) Allow Melvin to fly the black helicopter low over the streets of some village, dropping leaflets bearing instructions for the making of tinfoil caps. A complete explanation for the need for this caps will be broadcast on local radio stations later that same night. (Don't ask how. Don't. Trust us. You don't want to know.)

(5) Take home video of Melvin feeding several gallons of beer to the local llamas. Then, when the drunken fur balls have collapsed, film him painting their butts blue. Then send copy of video tape to Methos with a card that says, 'Great BEER! Glad YOU'RE not here--or the llamas wouldn't have gotten any!' Then sign the card 'kissy, kissy,' so Methos thinks VAL sent it and beheads him, her, it.

(4) Tramp through jungle collecting poisonous snakes and spiders and other icky things. Put them in a box full of Styrofoam peanuts. Send it to the home of the PrinciVAL along with a note saying, 'You have won this valuable prize.' Sign it 'Kissy, Kissy, Ed MacMahon.' Then the princiVAL's wife will either think her hubby was killed by Ed M. or Val. Either way, Melvin, me and the badger are safe!

(3) Find a cute, furry little monkey and take several pictures of it sharing bananas with Melvin and the Badger. Then take a picture of a few old steak bones and a fur ball or two from the badger's used duct tape. Send an audiotape (nothing written please, he can't read) to Silas informing him that Val and the PrinciVAL ATE the monkey. If Methos doesn't get Val, Silas surely will!

(2) Find some big hairy mutant-looking guy, show him a picture of the PrinciVAL, and tell him that the PrinciVAL has been saying 'bad things about your Mother.' Then give him all the PrinciVAL 's private info and wish him god-speed.

(1) Unearth a stone idol with glowing red eyes and ship it directly to the K'stupidintendent in his new school. Send a note with instructions to use it as their new mascot. Forge the names of the school board members on the note. Allow red fog to engulf all of them. Bwa ha.


Galatea and Melvin

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Private Quarters

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