Posted by Galatea on Sunday, 31 October 1999, at 11:53 a.m.
Okay, so I've been drowning in real life. Okay...so I've DROWNED in real life. But things are percolating at the Stronghold in Paraguay.
Melvin and the Badger have been busy making raisinettes for the children. (I hope none of them is stupid enough to actually EAT the raisinettes.)
They look so cute in their black suits, white shirts, ties, and dark glasses. They are going out dressed as F.B.I. spooks this Halloween. The tinfoil beanies detract from the reality of the costume a bit, but they are *so* adorable in them.
They have been so well behaved lately that it is almost spooky. I suppose they didn't want to take the chance of being duct taped to the ceiling on their favorite holiday.
It is so hard to get accustomed to seeing them actually *having* body hair!
The cargo hold of the black helicopter is absolutely bulging with rolls of toilet paper. I believe I saw a map containing the air directions for the homes of the late and unlamented K'stupidintendent, the current, much despised K'PrinciVAL, Newt Gingrich, Buddy the White House Pup (Socks must be going along), and a particularly evil 11th grader named *withheld due to data privacy laws.*
There are four garbage bags of Twinkies. I have no idea what those are for. I think they may have been tampered with. There are a lot of empty X-lax packets in the bathroom. And I don't think that was part of the raisinette manufacturing program.
I suspect that they may be doing a fly-over San Diego as there is a huge quantity of beer and fried chicken in the cockpit.
In the basement, the Tommy Lee clones are all being forced to dress up like Carmen Miranda. They can't sing a lick, though.
Melvin's been amusing himself with the voodoo doll of the current and much despised K'PrinciVAL. I imagine the poor fellow will be sore in numerous areas of his body after this weekend. And his bushes will certainly all be dead.
The badger has been served with a wild-life writ demanding child support for numerous squirrel offspring. He claims he doesn't know any of those squirrels. I am suspicious, myself.
I won't have them in my house though. There is enough wildlife in there all ready. Melvin is enjoying the prospect of being a godfather. He can't do a good Brando imitation though.
I myself am planning to turn out the lights and watch Mr. Mom and Corrina, Corrina till me eyes glaze over, ignoring the doorbell and the telephone all night. Then, when the boys are done having their fun, I'll lock the badger and the clones in the basement, send K home to Godiva, kennel Silas and Caspian, put Socks on an express to Washington, and give Melvin the little treat I have in store for him. I hope he likes it. I had to tweak the special bovine growth hormones for the olive orchard to get an olive large enough for me to slip inside it.
It's going to be quite a night. I'd suggest you stay indoors and avoid raisinettes at all costs.
Posted by Godiva - clad in nothing but a skate key. on Sunday, 31 October 1999, at 12:35 p.m.
I told him he was in charge of distributing the candy to the little demon spawn that dare to ring our bell. (After all the chocolate items have been removed of course.)
He mumbled something about a package. Didn't sound like UPS or FedEx. Who delivers on Sunday anyway?
He grabbed some sunglasses and a pillow case and headed to the back acres.
I've put the vacuum cleaner on the back verandah and I've got Mr. Mom on the VCR turned up full blast with all the windows open but so far he hasn't returned. I've even got a bucket of chicken sitting in the window. (He can spot that red and white stripe from miles away.)
I haven't heard anything but I thought I saw a faint glint, like sunlight hitting tinfoil for a second on the horizon about 15 min. ago.
I think someone is going to be moaning the imminent loss of body hair very soon.
AKA "Leather Lad."
Posted by F.B.I. Spook...er...agent... #234 on Sunday, 31 October 1999, at 12:45 p.m.
He is certainly not swilling beer and eating fried chicken in the cockpit of our black helicopter while dropping rolls of toilet paper and other "offerings" on the heads of K'stupe's and K'princiVALs. He is not (right at this moment) encouraging Caspian to roast Buddy the White House Pooch over the embers at the campfire to be held later, in the woods.
We haven't seen him.
Our body hair is in no danger at this time.
(*SHHHH. No. I don't think anyone knows. Oh! Good one! Heh heh heh. The hot peep body will mold nicely over the Pencil Shaped hoot ornament. Now throw some raisinettes on it. That oughta take the finish right off!*)
Posted by Unknown Informant on Sunday, 31 October 1999, at 5:01 p.m.
10. "Truth or Dare: Have you now or at any time in the past had carnal thoughts about Cassandra, Dr. Ann, or those fuzzy gray squirrels that used to hang out on the deck of the barge."
9. "Pass the beer. We need to refuel for another run on the K'stupe's bushes!"
8. "Listen here, Badger! If you do *that* to my leg ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna ram a cue stick where the sun don't shine and pass you over to Caspian for a snack."
7. "Big Nose is hungry. Pass him some raisinettes."
6. "YES! Direct hit! Three more rolls and the K'stupe's house will be completely mummified in Charmin!"
5. "Caspian! Put those small children BACK! I don't care how tasty they are with barbecue sauce! Big G will KILL me if their little heads don't stay attached to their bodies!"
4. "Yeah, go ahead and do the bushes from 10,000 feet. They'll wonder why the rain is so very localized."
3. "Who let it?"
2. "Who lit it?"
1. "Spook 1 to Tower. Spook 1 to Tower. Come in Tower. Hey, Tower, is your refrigerator running? Better go CATCH IT then!"
Bwa ha ha ha ha!
Not Any of US!
Posted by BadGer on Sunday, 31 October 1999, at 5:11 p.m.
I doan know eny of dem!
Posted by Godiva - clad in nothing but a skate key. on Sunday, 31 October 1999, at 5:27 p.m.
10. A sudden plague of an unknown kind has devastated the foliage around the houses of two high placed education officials in Minnesota.
9. Sudden shortage of beer and Fried Chicken in Minnesota and California. And in a narrow 'alley' as the crow flies between the two states.
8. Squirrels wearing tin foil beanies and with their butts shaved and painted blue are being spotted all over the western United States.
7. Sales of Bushes Baked Beans and Diamond Safety Matched hit an all-time high.
6. Two school teachers with names beginning with "G" stock up on duct tape, yardsticks, green pez and videotapes of Mr. Mom.
5. There is also a run on pearl-ended corsage pins and stuffed dolls with red hair.
4. In a bizarre coincidence the two aforementioned educational administrators (see # 10) have sudden sharp shooting pains in the most intimate places which remain undiagnosed and unexplainable.
3. Caspian forced to eat stale pumpkin-shaped marshmallows covered with melted chocolate. He decides he likes the raisenettes better.
2. Certain intimate acquaintances of aforementioned schoolteachers (see # 6 above) are caught sneaking in a window of their respective abodes in an attempt to return anonymously and bid a fond adieu to their bodyhair (and the floor) for several weeks.
1. Aforementioned schoolteachers (you remember them) sit down with a box of chocolates, a lottery ticket sure to win and a videotape of "Shakespeare in Love" for a quiet All Saints' Day evening.
Galatea and Melvin